Trusting You Anyway: An honest discussion about my miscarriage

11 Aug

Praying woman hands

What does it mean to trust God with everything?

I’m trying to figure that out now. Ordinarily I feel like I’m a person with pretty strong faith. I’ve faced some serious mountains in my life, and in everything God has been faithful. In every dead situation He has brought forth new life. After every storm He has brought the dove and led me to dry land. He has rescued me, time and again. And in return I have shown Him the deepest faith I could muster.

I’ve always known that God gives and takes away. I’ve heard it all my life, experienced it to certain degrees even. But I never felt the full weight of it until two weeks ago, when I miscarried my unborn baby.

God, why?

What good could come of such a thing? What could possibly rise from the ashes here, Lord? There is no good here. There is only despair, heartache, emptiness.

It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it the pain of a miscarriage. Imagine the anticipation of a beautiful and unexpected change in your life. A surge of potentials, a surge of dreams. Planning, praying, preparing. Doctor’s visits. Seeing things on a screen that jolt you from fear and anxiety to joy and anticipation–instantly.

See that? That’s the heartbeat. My gosh, babe, that’s a heartbeat. Our baby is half a centimeter but it’s got a heartbeat. Imagine that.

You envision your future in a whole new light. There’s a date several months away that’s meaningless to most people, but it means absolutely everything to you. Your life will change, and it’s going to be for the better. God has given you a gift. It’s a gift that you didn’t expect, but it must be part of God’s plan even if it wasn’t part of yours. Okay, God, I got this. I get it now. Let’s do this.

And all of a sudden you’re ready. You’re excited. It’s go time.

And then one night something is wrong.

Why are you feeling like this? Why is this happening? Should we call the doctor, go to the hospital?

No, because in a moment it’s over. It’s over, everything you thought was happening is no longer, and you’re on your knees on the bathroom floor crying out to God­­­ in utter despair. Why?

I thought if I listened to God obediently and followed His direction I would be okay. I thought that trusting Him with an unexpected and untimely pregnancy would bring me favor. It was bad timing and less than ideal circumstances, but I believed. I was faithful. I said yes, God, I’ll do this. This must be your plan. It must be your will. So I’m all in.

But then in an instant it was gone. I didn’t understand. I don’t understand.

I’m still asking why. Maybe I’ll always be asking why.

What does it mean to trust God with everything?

I think it means trusting when it doesn’t make sense; having faith when the world looks on and says you have no reason to. It means that you truly believe in something greater than human understanding, a Creator that is so loving and so powerful and all-knowing that there is no possible way to comprehend His will. It means that you trust your Maker so deeply that even when He takes away in ways that are totally incomprehensible, you hold fast to faith, because you know that He is good in all things.

Our world is so small. The things we can see in one lifetime are miniscule in comparison to what the God of the universe sees in one moment.

That doesn’t necessarily make it easier. It doesn’t make the pain go away. But it reminds us that this is not the end. It reminds us that there is an end to our toils and our tears. It reminds us that through it all, we are held in His love.

We are never promised an easy life–but we are promised that God will work everything for our good, if we love Him. Everything. Even our suffering and heartache. Even the loss of our unborn children. Everything. It’s a promise. And it’s a promise I’ll believe because, although I am not always given a reason why everything happens, I have never experienced an unfulfilled promise from my Savior. And so I will believe, and I will trust, and I will give praise.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 
(Isaiah 41:10)

P.S. Sometimes in times like these it’s helpful to have a song that you can go to that reminds you to continue to keep hoping. Here’s the one that has been my anthem these past two weeks. I hope that if you’re facing something similar it will encourage you like it has me. It’s a reminder to those of us who have seen God move in our lives in the past to hold onto Him. No matter what we face, we know there is One who is able to heal, bring joy and restore. He’s done it before and He will do it again.

“And if there’s anybody here who’s found Him faithful
Anybody here who knows He’s able
Say Amen
And if there’s anybody here who’s seen His power
Anybody here brought through the fire
Say Amen
Anybody here found joy in the middle of sorrow
Peace in the storm, hope for tomorrow
And seen it time and time again
Then just Say Amen”


4 Responses to “Trusting You Anyway: An honest discussion about my miscarriage”

  1. Dani August 12, 2014 at 3:11 am #

    Chelsea, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I know what it’s like to believe being faithful will save and protect, nourish and fortify. But sometimes God’s lessons are hard and oftentimes they come through truly unexpected means.

    I don’t pretend to understand His heart or why my three little ones are in Heaven and not here with me. But I am faithful. I will be faithful. And I pray that one day I might know why they were taken and why I’m left with footprint-sized scars on my heart. But I accept that I may never know. I accept.

    With blessings and grace,

  2. Sondra Twine August 13, 2014 at 5:06 pm #

    You know, too many people are afraid to bring what happens in the darkness- to light. We are afraid that if we share our struggles, to others it will make us appear somehow less worthy. The truth is, that we are a very judgmental society. I myself am guilty of judgement, I’ve looked at a mother and searched for the wedding ring. I have looked at how others handled a situation and swore I could do it better. I think part of being human is the common struggle to truly love one another, despite all the obstacles of color, race, experiences and gender. God gave us the one example of what pure love looks like, without strings attached. ”
    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
    When Jesus died for our sins he displayed His love in an action, higher than any words He could have spoken. Even though He was so scared that He sweat blood when He asked if the cup could be passed over Him, He wanted the Father’s will above His own.
    When we are able to appreciate one another for all of our faults, our mistakes and our failures and choose to love anyways, that is when God’s glory is revealed. Too long have we kept each other in the dark and too long have we fretted over our mistakes. Satan works in the darkness and has power over us as long as we choose to remain hidden.
    “For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open.”
    Thank you for having the courage to not only walk into the light but to allow us to walk the journey of your pain with you. I pray that your story blesses those around you that may have been too ashamed or too in despair to talk about it. God will use your suffering for His good, and will allow it to be a source of comfort and courage to others.

  3. Davie Doles October 19, 2015 at 4:34 pm #

    Chelsea, thank you for sharing your story. I would like email you and request the use of your words/prayer for my son’s memorial this week. Thank you.

    • theunlimitedmom October 26, 2015 at 6:17 pm #

      Yes of course you can. Sorry for the delay in response. Thank you.

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